


bullets and rose petals

by serpienten



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Cheating, F/M, bucky feels guilty but he loves reader too much, feelings of betrayal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 10:29:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20562812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serpienten/pseuds/serpienten
Summary: There won’t ever be a last time. Not with her.





	bullets and rose petals

**Author's Note:**

> This was my entry for a writing challenge over on tumblr.
> 
> Enjoy!

Gold flecks of sunlight filter through the sloppily drawn shut drapes, dance over the old, carpeted floor and the white, rumpled sheets on the bed. Particles of dust float through the dim rays of sunlight and the room smells of stale cigarette smoke, alcohol and sex, even after opening the window, but at the moment there isn’t a place James Barnes feels more at home.

And it’s all thanks to the woman nestled in the crook of his arm.

𝙞 𝙖𝙢 𝙢𝙖𝙙𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙗𝙪𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙩𝙨; 𝙨𝙝𝙧𝙖𝙥𝙣𝙚𝙡.

There’s no word in the world to describe her that would even be remotely suitable, not sound tacky or overused or simply weak in the face of her. By all the gods, she’s the personification of everything that’s good in the world they watch over, and she’s the embodiment of all the things mortals and gods alike can only wish for in their wildest dreams. She’s the velvety softness of young rose petals, she’s melancholy in the air when soft music is the only noise to be heard, she’s the silence between lovers in intimate moments, she’s the peace after wars and she’s forgiveness. Quiet giggles, soft kisses, and breathy moans. She’s love, warm, powerful rays of sunlight that melt even the coldest ice and the strongest hearts and she’s happiness.

She’s by every definition divinity in its purest form.

𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙨𝙤𝙡𝙖𝙧 𝙛𝙡𝙖𝙧𝙚𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙤𝙛𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙥𝙨 -

He’s been watching her for what feels like hours. Since the twinkling stars and the silvery moonlight had given way to a pink line on the horizon that had changed color every time James had thrown a glance at it but no beauty in the world could ever be a match for her so his gaze hadn’t lingered long. Instead, he’d taken to letting the tips of his fingers brush over her bare skin for the millionth time that night. No matter how often they lie together, he can never seem to get enough of the feeling of her skin against his. She’s so soft and pliant against him that it would be a sin not to touch her even though it’s a sin to touch her in the first place.

With every graze of his skin against hers, it seems to become softer instead of rough and calloused and harsh like he is and, gods, he’s addicted to the feeling.

𝙗𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙘𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙚𝙨 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪, 𝙞 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬

One of her hands is splayed out on the hard muscles of his abdomen and he can feel her soft breaths fan over his skin where her cheek lies on his chest. Strands of her hair have fallen over her face and the ends tickle him every time she breathes. James would brush them back behind her ears, feel her soft curls between his fingers and caress the shell of her ear with the pads of his fingers if he wasn’t afraid of waking her. Y/N’s the most peaceful when she’s asleep. Not plagued by worries or regrets whose weight not even James can seem to lift off her shoulders, no matter how hard he tries.

But nevertheless, he tries. With every kiss he presses to her mouth, her cheek, her jawline, her collarbone, her shoulder, her everywhere, he tries to make her burdens easier to carry while simultaneously wishing he could take them off of her completely and put them on himself instead. But it’s a wish even a god cannot fulfill and so he keeps trying.

𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙮'𝙡𝙡 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝 𝙢𝙚

She’s like a drug he was never planning on quitting from the moment he’d first had a taste of her. Sweeter than honey, she’d wrapped her beautiful fingers around the dead thing in his chest and coaxed it back to life, making it hers from that day to all eternity. And she’s held onto it ever since, stubborn as she is. Y/N’s made him so thoroughly hers, she’s the only thing he thinks about from the moment he wakes up to the moment he falls asleep. And even then she rules his dreams with a firm hand.

He likes to imagine she’s his, too.

𝙞𝙩'𝙨 𝙖 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙜𝙚𝙙𝙮, 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙞 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪

They’ve been lying like this since last night. Limbs tangled and bodies pressed so tightly against each other that they’re close to melting into the other.

James would never want to let go of her, not for a moment, but he knows what has to be done and what shouldn’t be.

The grip his arm has around her shoulder tightens, muscles tensing as he lifts his left hand, metal glinting faintly in the sunlight, to grip her hand that’s on his stomach, all the while he’s turning his body to face hers.

With all the tenderness he can muster, he presses his lips to her forehead and closes his eyes. Y/N stirs lightly but James knows she’s still asleep when all she does is snuggle closer to him and wrap one arm around his torso. He loves her more than anything this life has to offer, but he’s thankful she isn’t awake to witness how unnervingly fast his heart is beating.

He doesn’t want to let go, he doesn’t. Her warmth is his sole comfort some days even if it’s only the lingering memory of nights like these in the midst of battle and death, gore and tragedy. The tingling touch of her fingers in dark times is a reminder that somehow, somewhere, he’s loved like he wants to be. Like he wants, but doesn’t deserve to be.

𝙞𝙩 𝙞𝙨 𝙖 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙜𝙚𝙙𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙧 𝙘𝙧𝙤𝙨𝙨𝙚𝙙 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙖 𝙝𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙙 𝙮𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙨 𝙡𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙧

The first time he’d known he would have to stop this, was when he’d gotten a little brave in public. The urge to be close to her had overcome him with a staggering force and for one, weak moment, he’d failed to fight it. A feeling so unusual and unnatural for the God of War had guided his steps that day, had made him walk up to her and the man beside her, wrap his arm around her waist and press a kiss against her cheek. He’d relished the feeling of her leaning into him, even if it’d only lasted a mere second before she’d put her hands firmly against his chest and pushed him away. Quick as lightning, he’d taken a step back but the damage had already been done.

He’d seen the look in Steve’s eyes, the confusion, and knowledge of betrayal that had flitted over his best friend’s features when their gazes had met. He’d looked at Steve and then at Y/N and he’d seen the danger in her eyes. Don’t James, don’t.

Danger hadn’t been the only thing glimmering in her eyes though. Fear he didn’t want to be responsible for had stolen its way into the endless depths of her unfathomable orbs and had made him conjure a lopsided grin on his lips and slur a lie that had tasted bitterer than any ale on his tongue.

Apologies, little one. Must’ve had a little too much to drink.

If Steve hadn’t known from that day forward, he’d at least had an inkling and James’d realized far too late that his mistake would cost him his best friend. Of course, he had no proof but the distance he started to put between him and his friend and also his wife was enough indication that he suspected the truth.

𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙮𝙚𝙩 𝙨𝙥𝙞𝙡𝙩 -

It was only the first of many mistakes the God of War would come to regret.

But the one mistake he’s sorry for the most, is falling into her over and over again even though he tries with everything in him to stop.

It’s harder, he realizes, than he thought it would be. It’s harder than he could’ve ever imagined, stepping away from the one thing that makes his existence bearable.

But he’s so thoroughly hers that all it takes for him is a bat of her eyelashes and a soft smile and a gentle utter of his name out of her heavenly mouth to go compliant. He curses himself for his weakness but he loves her.

They’ve moved their rendezvous to decrepit motels somewhere in a country he doesn’t even know the name of, somewhere they know they won’t ever be found when they lose themselves. To be somewhere they can belong to one another, even though they don’t. A fact that comes to haunt him every single time he thinks he can be happy with her in his arms even though he should feel remorseful.

Not even a day ago he’d been so sure that he could do it. That he could set her free, to be with the one she’d married, happy and without worries and problems. He’d leaned over the sink in the little, narrow bathroom while Y/N was sprawled out on the bed waiting for him. He’d gripped the rim of the porcelain sink, paying no mind to the smudges of grime staining the white, and had tried to steady his hands. “One last time,” he’d whispered to himself. One. Last. Time.

𝙗𝙚𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙞𝙛 𝙬𝙚 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙢𝙖𝙠𝙚 𝙞𝙩;

Y/N draws in a deep breath when James’ grip on her tightens again. 

His breath halts in his throat when he feels her lashes flutter against his skin and he knows she’s awake. Moments of silence commence.

And then, he feels her mouth against his neck, hot and soft and addicting, pressing fleeting kisses to his throat.

“What plagues your mind, my love? I can feel it.”

A shiver runs up his spine when her fingers trace a delicate path over the tense muscles on his back that relax almost instantly under her touch, voice laced with sleepiness.

This has to end. With every battle I win I lose the war and even though you are my heart, my life, the sole purpose of my existence, I’ll have to let you go. Because I know that the more I fight, the more I lose and you deserve more than struggle, uncertainty, and secrecy. You deserve everything you already have and I’d rather die than take that away from you. I love you, my goddess, nothing will ever change that. And even though I’m not the only one that loves you, I certainly am the only one that doesn’t deserve your affection in return.

He wants to say all of that. He wants to tell her what haunts him so, craves to watch her eyes widen in sorrow and shock and tell him that he’s wrong, that he deserves her love and he yearns for her to be his.

But her head tilts up and her eyes meet his and a deep breath is all that escapes him. “I love you,” is all he says. Y/N smiles softly, with so much love in her eyes that his heart threatens to escape from its boney cage.

“I love you too,” she whispers, closing the gap by capturing his lips in a searing kiss.

Then, he realizes something else.

They’re as different as night and day. He’s made of harshness, sharp edges, metal and slowly dripping blood while she’s softness, smooth curves, rose petals and sweet nectar. James’ skin is littered with scars and reminders of old wounds that never disappear while hers is soft and without a single blemish. She’s flawless and he seems to have every flaw in the world stitched into his soul. They’re as different as they come.

He realizes that as she pushes him on his back with fervor and moves to hover over him before connecting them once more.

He realizes that there won’t ever be a last time. Not with her.

He realizes that the last time he feels her around him and swallows her moans by kissing her shall be the day he dies.

Because not even a god can live without a heart.

And he won’t ever be able to bring himself to try.

𝙣𝙤 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡.


End file.
